A Modest Plan to Reduce Gun-Facilitated Violence

Dear New York,

I'm writing to tell you that you suck.

As it turns out, I can come up with a better plan to curb gun-facilitated violence in five minutes of glibness than you can in a month of hand-wringing.

This is based on the fact that making something illegal in the US counts for shit when it comes to discouraging criminal use - we have between 7 and 20 million illegal aliens in the USA. I would try and find statistics about illegal drug use, but frankly, I don't want to get depressed. It's only Wednesday. Suffice it to say, unless you're Amish or otherwise completely cut off from society, I would bet my next paycheck that you know someone who regularly uses marijuana.

Note that I would like to distinguish between use and criminal use. Killing another human being with no provocation is criminal use of a weapon. Although some of my vegan friends may disagree, hunting with a weapon is simply use. Taking a Lortab because you just had oral surgery - use. Taking a handful of Lortabs every day because you're a satirist and your fans are dumb enough to think you're serious (and that you have good ideas) - criminal use, although I think I can empathize.

Anyway, I digress in my logical exercise. Onto the plan.

Gun registration is a completely flawed system. I propose to scrap it entirely. After all, sure, we register cars, but hey, we register drivers, first! Why don't we just register gun owners?

Here is my proposed ownership licensure process:

Step 1) You must complete a regulated firearms safety course. Whether it's hunter safety, CCW, etc doesn't really matter. Legislators will decide what's important for the area. I say area, because I truly believe that gun ownership licenses should be state - not federally - regulated. Let's face it, typical gun use in Vermont is worlds away from typical gun use in Atlanta.

Note: Due to the massive clusterfuck that implementation of any system causes, current gun owners don't actually have to take a class, as long as they can pass the test. Trying to tell someone who has been shooting his or her own dinner for 30 years how to place a trigger lock just leads down a road I'm not willing to traverse.

Step 2) You have to visit a head-shrinker. A psychologist must complete an evaluation and agree that you are firing on all four cylinders. If you and the psychologist don't get along, you can go see another, but if you get negative evaluations from three different therapists, you have to complete a course of treatment before you can re-apply.

Some people might not think this is fair, that it's ramming mental health care down the throats of people who don't want it. I think mental health is overlooked far too much in this day and age, except for when a scapegoat is needed. This is critical. Guns don't kill people, any more than cars driven by drunk drivers kill people. You know what kills people? Poor and impaired decision making. If you are mentally ill, your ability to make decisions is compromised and you should not be in a situation where your decision may cause harm to another human.

Step 3) Background check. You know, the one you're supposed to have done every time you buy a gun? The current NICS system isn't always instant. Things fall through the cracks. Let's have one extensive background check for licensure, and then you're set to go buy your arsenal.

Step 4) Gun ownership license. You get a shiny new piece of license, that you can stick behind (or in front of) your driver's license, and voila! Going to a gun show and see something you just have to have? Show the vendor your license and s/he knows that you're allowed to buy it. It could be that easy.

Step 5) Renewal. You're going to have to go for a check-up every renewal period, be it every year or four. When you submit for your renewal, the clerk will also make sure that you're still allowed to have a license.

Irresponsible use. In the same way the reckless and drunken drivers have their license revoked and vehicles impounded, licenses for gun ownership will be revoked as needed. Committing a felony, domestic violence, irresponsible use and any action that would will all lose you your license, in addition to your other penalties. Depending on the locality, your firearms will be confiscated, and you may or may not be able to get the auction price of them back.

So, New York? Isn't fun how once you make something illegal, the only way for folks to get it is to go through illegal sources, which have no regulatory measures whatsoever? Isn't that awesome?