I've written one too many cover letters that won't be read.

An announcement for a job I probably won't get came up, and I was kind of irritated, so I penned the below. The ogre insisted I share it with the world, so you can blame him.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to express my interest in coming to work with [company] as a [position]. I am an excellent analytical chemist, but wait, there's more! I belong to the subset of chemists that enjoyed organic chemistry even without specializing in it. Even before I became a chemist, I had excessive experience in excessive documentation - I was a collegiate EMT. That's right, I saved lives. Or I could have, if there were ever any lives in danger. It was mostly endangered livers, what with the college campus and all.

In addition to my outstanding benchtop and instrumental skills (and my towering modesty), I am overly experienced in method development and QA/QC. I may have brought that on myself. I have written, re-written, revised, and made paper airplanes out of SOPs. I've also helped revise an LQAP, and developed control charting to track performance.

I can be annoyingly cheerful for 7 am, especially if I've had coffee, but I get the job done. I prefer to see every task as a challenge and opportunity, and accordingly, I award myself a gold star for each one. I have a lot of gold stars.

According to my checklist, I have every trait requested in the notice for [position], and it would be in the company's best interest to consider me heavily. It would be in your direct interest to interview me, if only because I am very entertaining.

My salary requirements are negotiable, because even though I have 5+ years in the lab, I would rather have a job I enjoy than a Ferrari.

I'd be delighted to hear from you, but I'm sure you'd like to glance over my resume first. (I've attached it.) My telephone number is [number], and I would be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Cordially,
me